iamjesseduh (iamjesseduh) wrote,
iamjesseduh
iamjesseduh

Queer?

I'm reinvestigating an abandoned internal conflict which I've ignored both actively and passively for the past 6 years.
The fact that I am attracted to both sexes has always been apparent to me - just at different intensities and through different veils of realization during different times of my life.
When I 'came out' - about eight years ago now - I simultaneously felt a wonderful release of denied emotion weighed with a new sense of outcast-edness from the social worlds I moved through.
I found that whereas I discovered a new level of honesty with myself I also encountered many new restrictions and limitations in my socialization with others.

This, I now realize was a certain level of unacceptance from both the hetero and homo community that I was part of at the time. In many ways the levels of biphobia I came into contact with were so subtle that I couldn't pick out the nuances in people's attitudes and viewpoints with which I disagreed.
Of course the results of this on my self esteem were completely dependent upon my own acceptance of other's views in contrast to my own. I taught myself again to veil the potency of my desires so that others would not see them. In 'queer' company I hid my attraction to women, and vice versa. In order for this to work, I had to enact a near total refutation of my self. Ugh...

I have now come to a place where I feel secure in my own self image and beliefs.
So I am free within my own limitations, whatever they may be.

Now, to deal with everyone else's limitations.
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